How to Listen So People Actually Feel Heard

All humans have a deep desire to be heard. You can see it at work, at home, with customers and with kids. And yet most of us are not very good at listening. We hear the first few sentences, decide what we think and spend the rest of the time waiting for our turn to talk. Most people do not listen to understand. They listen to reload.

In my sales training there is an exercise that shows how hard real listening is. Two people tell a story together, one sentence at a time, and each person has to begin their sentence with the last word the other person said. It sounds simple. It is surprisingly hard, because our brains want to plan what to say next instead of hearing the whole thought.

Give your full attention

Listening starts with attention. Put the phone face down, close the laptop, turn toward the person and make eye contact. These signals tell someone that they matter more than whatever else is competing for your attention. In a world of constant notifications, full attention has become rare enough to be memorable.

Let them finish

Resist the urge to interrupt, finish their sentences or jump to a solution. Often the most important part of what someone wants to say comes at the end, once they feel safe enough to say it. Sometimes silence is the strategy. When you just let someone talk, half of the problem can melt away on its own.

Ask one more question

Before you share your view, ask a follow-up question. Can you tell me more about that? What was the hardest part? What would help? I sometimes say that I am just really curious and tend to ask a lot of questions, which gives people permission to keep talking. Curiosity tells someone that you want to understand, not just respond.

Reflect back what you heard

Repeat what you heard in your own words. So the biggest frustration is that the schedule keeps changing without notice, and it is making it hard to plan your week. It is calming to hear your own concern said back to you, the same way it is reassuring when someone reads your order back. It also lets the other person correct anything you misunderstood.

Acknowledge before you respond

Acknowledgment is not the same as agreement. You do not have to agree with someone to show that you understand how they feel. That sounds really frustrating is often enough. When people feel acknowledged, they become much more open to what you say next, whether that is a solution, a different perspective or a no.

Listening is the first step of my LAARC method, and it sits at the heart of You Are Capable of More: Leadership. See also How to Make Employees Feel Heard and How to Resolve Conflict Between Employees.